OK y’all, I know we all want to feel beautiful – we all want to feel like we have value. That we count – that our life means something. Can I get an Amen??? Wow, I can hear the chorus of your voices right now & I feel your pain. Oh boy, can I.
Since I was 12 years old, I’ve loved all things hair-makeup-clothing. I’ve used it all, just trying to feel good about me. It was to no avail, because I didn’t believe in my own uniqueness, my own individuality, my own beauty. No matter how much I painted on or sprayed, how tight or low-cut the clothing, how much I changed the outward, the inward stayed the same. The battle for my self-esteem continued on. Walking through molestation & rape as a pre-teen & teen & subsequently 5 years of physical & emotional abuse as a young woman only further drove the awful paralyzing belief home – that I wasn’t worthy of real love from anyone. So I really do know what hopeless & ugly feels like. I know what it is to feel like a nobody, to feel like I don’t belong.
Fast forward many years later & today I feel beautiful & I believe I have worth – well, in full disclosure, most of the time anyhow. Life sometimes still causes a struggle. And I’m talking about from the inside out here – not in an “Oh look at me” kind of way. Much more in a “God can heal whatever is broken & I’m living proof” kind of way.
But it didn’t happen till near the end of September of 2011, at age 41. You can say that on that bittersweet day, I saw the Light. And guess where it all transpired? In a Walmart parking lot, of all places.
I had been sitting in my car crying & talking to my precious Pastor’s wife at the time on the phone about watching my 14-year-supposed-to-be-forever marriage crumbling right before my very weary eyes. And let me tell y’all – I was so spent, so exhausted & so, so incredibly broken. As a result of that poignant conversation I had an epiphany. God, in all of His beautiful Grace, used her mightily in those few moments to encourage me. He spoke so sweetly to my heart on that fateful day. In His Fatherly voice He said “Bonnie, you have believed a lie since you were a little girl, and that lie is this – that you have never been enough.” He went on to reveal examples from throughout my life, playing out like an old-fashioned movie reel that had been buried in my memory. I was doing the ugly cry by then, to say the least. But what got me, what hit me the hardest – was the Truth that he spoke to me then & there that set me unequivacobly free of that horrible lie I had believed for so long – He said to me – “I want you to know that you ARE enough, because I say you are enough.”
I am so grateful to her for taking time with me that day – for several reasons – but most of all because God came to me with skin on. And I will never, ever forget it.
In that moment- my striving to be this or that – to be whoever I thought I needed to be to my husband at the time, & anyone else for that matter – went flying away into the breeze, carried in His sweet Love for me. Those beliefs of not feeling beautiful or valuable as a person, struggling with my weight, skin, hair, my sanity – all the things we go through in our humanity – suddenly took on a whole new meaning.
So this blog is born in the great Hope that it will encourage you to join me on this journey – through inspiration & practicality too – helping you to grasp your own real beauty, from the inside out. Helping you to see that there is nothing too great for God to help you overcome in your life. All you have to do is be open & willing – the faith of just one mustard seed can move a mountain, after all.