My Father said to me on his deathbed what I had waited my entire 25-years of life at the time to hear – “ Bonnie you’re so beautiful. I’m proud of you & I love you.”
I can ponder on that to this day at 48 years old & still weep as though it were happening again. Thinking about the times I wish he would’ve shown up. Thinking about all of the moments a girl should have with her Daddy that I didn’t get to have. And a few memories of some semblance of that too. I believe he loved all of us kids.
The wonderful thing among many about knowing Jesus & having that relationship is that I don’t feel badly towards him anymore. I feel compassion & forgiveness. And the Hope of restoration.
I think my on-going tears are more about a longing – a grieving for what could’ve been. I’m still grieving for what was lost. And I may not stop this side of heaven. A proverbial thorn of sorts. That cavern is etched deep-down in my core. Maybe more than any other. And at the same time & on the contrary, I have the realization that one sweet day we will have a reunion like no other. Oh. Sweet. Lord.
Only God can do that.
My Good, Good Father.
Who Loved & Loves mine far more than I could – ever, ever.
And who Loves me so much that even barely scratching the surface of that in my finite mind turns my soul inside-out. And twists me in the best of ways that no-thing & no-one else can.
I fall at Your feet for the many-illionth time Daddy. In messy, so-complicated humility for all I’m not in the precious face of all that You are.
You are worthy of so much more than I can & will ever offer You.
In Jesus’ undeniable Name,
Much love y’all & much more acceptance of the Father as He really is,