So I had DVR’d This Is Us from Tuesday & watched it last night. An amazing show that brings up all kinds of things for me consistently.
In this particular episode – with just one brief scene – it dropped me to my proverbial knees. I was a puddle & had to linger there a while.
There is such a giant gaping hole where my Dad should have been growing up. Unfortunately he was an alcoholic. Thank God he finally sobered up when I turned 19 but I had already moved out. And he passed on just a short 6 years later.
I do not harbor unforgiveness towards him nor do I blame him for who I am today. I am certainly old enough to make my own choices & evolve & change at will by God’s grace.
Fact of the matter is I am certainly no perfect parent either. I know I have screwed up. I have said it so many times but regret is the absolute hardest thing to live with. And I can only imagine the regret that our Dad must have felt. Just sitting here thinking about that even briefly could easily put me into the floor if I really went there.
I find it amazing how I can feel such joy & such grief at the same time. It baffles me that it’s even possible. I have the absolute joy rooted deep-down in my heart of my heavenly Father’s great & unconditional love for me. And ever-present alongside the absolute grief of my earthly Father’s emotional absence.
I don’t even know where I’m headed with all this but I do know that it’s a piece of who I am. It’s part of my story & I’m not ashamed of any of it.
I try to let myself go there when I feel all these things. Stuffing & denial never worked for me anyway. It only makes me sick. And no one likes that. Least of all me.
1 Cor 15:10 “By the grace of God, I am what I am.”
Thank you for allowing me to share my rabbit trails – crooked & random as they are. It’s a kind of therapy for me. And I know some of you have similar stories. We are bonded that way & are all in this together.
Much love y’all,