I waited my whole life to hear the words my Dad finally said to me the night he passed away. “You are so beautiful Bonnie. I love you & I’m proud of you.”
I was 25.
Today I’m nearly 48 & that memory makes me spill over with giant crocodile tears like it just happened. The words repeating in my heart like a slow-beating drum & ever bittersweet.
And although I know that God knows my name – I’ve actually heard Him speak it (true story), He loves me & He is proud of me – I still find myself clamoring for it in human form. Not in desperation anymore (thank You Lord) but maybe in a quiet & clumsy plea – to be seen for who I really am. In here. Not what I am outward or what I can offer physically. I burned that one up. Today I really get that my worth lies in a better place. In a sacred place. But I don’t always act like it.
I do stumble about – sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to stand on my own two. Feigning not having to lean on another. And face-planting seems to be my forte. All-the-while wobbling with one slipper squarely on & one lost. Out there somewhere. Acting like I don’t want to find it. Sort of.
I know many times my posts seem more dark than light – but trust me there is a Light all up inside of me. I wouldn’t be here today without it. Too many stupid decisions & wrong turns would have surely left me dead. I know it in the very bottom of my know-er.
Spinning ‘round on that wheel, the one designed just for me I go. It must be a strong & sturdy one, to hold the likes of this ol’ girl. And lately I’ve been feeling like I must be slipping out of His hands. Yet He never leaves me to myself – to my detriment. Or maybe I just wake up enough to walk in a different direction when He calls “This way.”
Even now this holy elephant of gratitude standing on my chest says I have not gone too far. And I’d have to put up one helluva fight to ever run backwards away from all I know to be True. I don’t want to.
I want to Live.
Really, really live.
Thank you for following my rabbit trail today. It’s leading somewhere good.
It has to be.
Much love y’all & owning the memories – be them as they may,
(image Courtesy of Clevelandphoto.org)