Ramblings On Memories & Stumblings & Rescue

I waited my whole life to hear the words my Dad finally said to me the night he passed away. “You are so beautiful Bonnie. I love you & I’m proud of you.”

I was 25.

Today I’m nearly 48 & that memory makes me spill over with giant crocodile tears like it just happened. The words repeating in my heart like a slow-beating drum & ever bittersweet.

And although I know that God knows my name – I’ve actually heard Him speak it (true story), He loves me & He is proud of me – I still find myself clamoring for it in human form. Not in desperation anymore (thank You Lord) but maybe in a quiet & clumsy plea – to be seen for who I really am. In here. Not what I am outward or what I can offer physically. I burned that one up. Today I really get that my worth lies in a better place. In a sacred place. But I don’t always act like it.

I do stumble about – sometimes literally, sometimes figuratively. Trying to figure it all out. Trying to stand on my own two. Feigning not having to lean on another. And face-planting seems to be my forte. All-the-while wobbling with one slipper squarely on & one lost. Out there somewhere. Acting like I don’t want to find it. Sort of.

I know many times my posts seem more dark than light – but trust me there is a Light all up inside of me. I wouldn’t be here today without it. Too many stupid decisions & wrong turns would have surely left me dead. I know it in the very bottom of my know-er.

Spinning ‘round on that wheel, the one designed just for me I go. It must be a strong & sturdy one, to hold the likes of this ol’ girl. And lately I’ve been feeling like I must be slipping out of His hands. Yet He never leaves me to myself – to my detriment. Or maybe I just wake up enough to walk in a different direction when He calls “This way.”

Grace.

Selah…

Even now this holy elephant of gratitude standing on my chest says I have not gone too far. And I’d have to put up one helluva fight to ever run backwards away from all I know to be True. I don’t want to.

I want to Live.

Really, really live.

Thank you for following my rabbit trail today. It’s leading somewhere good.

It has to be.

Much love y’all & owning the memories – be them as they may,

Bonnie ❤️

(image Courtesy of Clevelandphoto.org)

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2 thoughts on “Ramblings On Memories & Stumblings & Rescue

  1. Hi Bonnie, I enjoyed reading your post. We are the same age (at the moment anyway) my birthday is sometime just before Christmas. I know haw you feel about wanting your father to say he is proud of you. My mother died when I was 25 and my dad when I was 30. To this day nobody has ever said they are proud of me for anything I have done of accomplished. I too try to figure out where I fit in but I know that the Lord must have a plan for me otherwise he wouldn’t have kept me alive this long.As far as face planting goes (if you mean literally) I would suggest that you find a local martial arts club and talk to them, they can teach you how to fall properly..Take care. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much for sharing that. It’s funny how such simple things can mean so much. And as far as the face planting goes I meant that more figuratively – falling on my face after decisions I thought were right. That was funny! 🤣

      Like

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