I know that I have said before sometimes I wish I didn’t feel anything. And on occasion that’s true, especially when in the feeling, it’s all too painful.
But in my honesty I do love to feel the heights & the depths of life. I love to feel the butterflies, the shyness & the nervousness & eventual comfort & ease of growing with someone I care about. And even the heart-wrenching that occurs when straddling the fence over decisions that are just never easy to make. Because that means that something really must mean a lot to me.
I have also been through a lot with my son. And the love that I feel for him trumps everything else in a different kind of way. The greatest joy & the deepest grief I’ve ever felt in my life has been in that relationship. And I have thanked God so many times that he chose me to be his Mom. ME…. I don’t feel worthy. He’s my eyeball.
I have tried to stuff things. I really have. Pretending as though I don’t feel them. But eventually, inevitably they always surface. Manifesting in different ways. Some not so pretty. Others in hyperactivity & attempts at appearing all-together. Lord help me.
The more honest I am about what is going on inside this ol’ heart & soul of mine the more I see things clear. The more I take things to God & just get them out the more free I feel. And when I can’t get up on my own He helps me. When I really want it. And if I don’t I just return ’round that mountain again until I get it.
I am no one’s example – I slip & stumble & fall & do stupid things & believe stupid things. And I learn. Stubbornly & slowly maybe, but I do.
The truth eventually, always makes me free.
Much love y’all & much more facing our feelings full-on so we can keep growing,
Psalm 139:23-24 Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.