I laid in bed & read some last night before turning out the lights. Which incited things haphazardly swirling around in my mind in normal fashion.
I thought about the years I had spent in church, diligently reading my Bible & praying & darkening the doors every time they were open. And judging anyone who wasn’t doing the same. (Please do not misread me – those times were needed & an integral part of my story.)
But as I look back now I see that it was like I was on some kind of crazy treadmill – thinking that in doing all those things it would somehow erase the past – all the bad memories, the bad things that had happened to me since the age where I should’ve been too small to experience them. All that religiosity doggedly trying to cover up my own sin & those of the people who hurt me. To make it all disappear like some holy ghost magic trick.
And back then I pretended, most of the time, like everything was great & I was free. Hell, I even bought it. And it couldn’t have been any further than the truth.
I think sometimes what we call healing is just denial. Selective forgetting. Instead grabbing at this thing or that person like they could be the miracle salve we’ve been so frantically searching for. Like a thing or another human could ever possibly have that power. Lord help us.
It’s easier to hold onto something we can physically touch – a tangible thing. Rather than grabbing at the hem of Jesus’ robe as He passes by.
While we are down on our scarred & bloody knees in the dirt desperately seeking whatever it is that will make us whole. Oh how I get that.
But when we surrender our screwed-up selves & our works & rituals in exchange for His grace He has a way of turning all our most hidden things inside out & exposing them to His light- shining the real Truth. That makes us free & exposes the lies we bought as truths.
That’s when true freedom shows up. And real healing begins.
These days I don’t study/read my Bible as oft as I ought & my church attendance, if being graded, would be considered “poor”. But I will tell you this – the judgmental-ness has flown the coop & I’m more authentic & honest with myself than ever before. I am stronger in some areas I never thought I’d be & I know where I’m painfully still weak. And lately I’ve been crying out to God for more help doing what I know I can’t do alone. Instead of stubbornly insisting that I’ve got it. Like that little girl wanting so desperately to try the steep & winding stairs without holding Daddy’s hand. Sometimes we’ve just got to hold on. That’s all there is to it.
He knows what we don’t & sees what we can’t. And oh how He loves you & me.
Yes, even you.
Much love y’all, much more authenticity & the humility that keeps us dependent on Our Maker,