Written Thursday night.
Oh what to do but just pour it out. Disclaimer: I’m feeling pretty snarky.
So forgive me in advance.
Today was one of those days. I said one of the ugliest ugly words more times than I’d like to admit. I thought I was going to jump out of my skin on multiple occasions. With full head-spin to boot. Anxiety through the roof. Work was nuts. And every idiot driver on the road had to’ve gotten in front of me at lunch. It was like a dang conspiracy. When 5 o’clock hit I was out the door like a shot. (Thank you God for my job. Truly.)
And honestly I just wanted to come home & drown myself in something that would make me forget about it all until tomorrow morning. But I didn’t. And much more than that it would’ve been nice to have someone to come home to. To help me decompress & just be a strong, warm shoulder. To tell me it was going to be OK. Someone to climb inside of & disappear for a while. Alas, he was not here.
And so I sit.
The pity party commences.
My son is on my mind. Constantly. This hurricane thing is freaking me out a little.
And other things.
Just other things.
That have had me scratching my twisty-messy head for a while now.
I get that I am supposed to pray about all these things – I have. Without ceasing – not always.
Be anxious for nothing & the like.
Yes, yes. I know.
But occasionally I get weary of it.
I’ve lamented this before. Sometimes I get flat worn down in the waiting. And then there are plenty of times where wonderful things happen & I get what I believe are glimpses of hope bigger than I’ve had.
For this or that.
And sometimes I’m wrong. No matter how convinced I was I’d nailed it.
There are times when I wish I didn’t feel anything. Just to check out temporarily. Like man, how cool would it be to have a switch to flip at will & boom – nothing. But above it all, above the swampiness of why & when & how & where – I think I would rather feel the whole of it than feel zero.
I know this was a whiny rambling, & not a super-spiritual one at that. And I know I can seem like a contradiction at times. Yep that’s me over in the corner with the confused look smeared across my face. Heart still swung wide open but on some pretty rusty hinges. A ragamuffin wallflower. Asking for rescue. Again.
In this moment, I’m more absorbed in me. Self self self. Admittedly. And I will kick this soon enough. I feel sure I led myself here. Or enemy mine.
One or the other.
And by the grace of God it’ll turn.
He is greater.
Thank You Jesus.
I’m OK. I just had to get it out. And I’m willing to bet some good green money there a few of you feeling the same way.
I know this – it shall pass. God’s mercies are new every morning. The blankety-blank weeping/microscope introspection may endure for night but joy comes at dawn. Hallelujah?
It’s almost never as bad as it seems. And we can’t believe everything we think.
I’m still so incredibly grateful.
If you squint really hard you might be able to see it. I sure have many-much reason to be.
End of said rambling.
Much love y’all,
Your bratty sister Bonnie ❤️