Sometimes I get so tired. Of having to face The hardest stuff alone. Of course I have my friends & my family & my God. But I'm talking about a partner. Somebody by my side daily. This is not a pity party. Sometimes I feel like the most broken record. I am just lamenting. Again. In my humanity-ness.
I have met some really great guys the last few years. Don't get me wrong. But the right fit has just not happened. Yet. Almost right, yes – more than once in varying degrees. But no cigar.
And sometimes I struggle with believing that it's going to. I'm just being real. Because tonight that hole where someone ought be seems wider & deeper than normal. Mostly because I'm staring down the nose of something really, really difficult. Again.
And once again I sit here. Facing it by myself in my little apartment that I am so incredibly thankful for. With nothing but scary thoughts screaming inside my head. It's really hard to be alone sometimes. But it can also be really glorious. Do not misread me. Just not in this moment.
And if I hear one more person say they can't believe I'm still single – or I'm too picky. Or the timing must not be right yet – I'll scream some more.
Earlier today at work I was fine. Even coming home & dinner & all that was nice. But in the quiet – in the pausing of my latest Netflix obsession- I lost it. The ugly cry ensued.
And I wanted to stop right here & share it because I know I'm not the only one that struggles. Sometimes we need to know it's OK to not be perfect all the time. To not be strong all the time. To not be OK all the time. To tell the truth when someone asks how we are. And to also reserve the right to not answer the phone call & the questions. And sometimes even lie about whether we are OK. Stubborn pride. Fear of judgment. Whatever it may be.
God help us.
This will be published on Wednesday morning. I'm writing it on Tuesday night. And by the time I wake up tomorrow I will probably regret vomiting these words. And I will probably feel better. Because joy does come in the morning. And weeping only endures for the night.
I love You & praise You above all these things. Anyway.
Because You are always worthy Lord. No matter how I feel.
You. Are. My. Refuge.
When no-one else is here with me.
I'm sorry that You are not always enough for me. Even though You are.
Much love y'all,