Ramblings On The Fighting Ring Of Faith, Fear & Folly

I wrote this 2 years ago. I find myself in a very similar place now. But thankfully can see some growth since. 

~~~

I was pondering what faith means to me. What it looks like for me.
I’ve been told, taught & encouraged to have it unwavering. I get it.
I am not so sure my walk has appeared as such. Maybe it has. I don’t know sometimes.
Now I do know this – there is surely a cord of it that runs ’round my bones. A mustard-seed of it in my soul. Yes.
And the cord & the seed seem to change. With time. With life. They definitely waver.
Because faith is believing in something we can’t see. Yet. It is believing in something that there is no evidence of. Yet.
That in itself can be a battle. A fight.
Faith can be a feeling. A nudge. Or a catapult into scary uncharted territory.
Faith is dizzying & freeing all at the same glorious time.
Sometimes it can feel lazy when I lean on it hard instead of worrying myself into a tizzy. I mean if I am not wringing my hands then I must not really give a flip. Right? Wrong.
Faith is an anti-depressant. Anti-anxiety. Anti-oh-sh*t-what-do-I do-now. And it is truly a great challenge. To live it. Out.
I do get up every single day despite what I may be facing. Sometimes my movement has been slower than others. But still I rise. God’s grace. I have suffered from depression off & on for a long time so to get up at times is a feat. For some that’s nothing. That’s great. And for others, you know exactly the place I speak from.
Sometimes I collapse under the pressure of what I can’t see. Yet. Or under the pressure of what I do see. Or what I think I see. Fear rides alongside me on an invisible black stallion. Naying & stomping & snorting & mocking my faith. The trickery of it all can be blinding – smoke & mirrors of the worst kind. And usually when I get to the other side I find it was really nothing. I see the real truth. Hindsight. The lines can, well.. Just. Get. Very. Blurry.
But this I know. God IS greater. God HAS the answers. He just does. I know it in my knower.

So maybe that part of my faith is unwavering. It’s the walking-it-out-day-by-day that can be downright tough.
Sometimes I feel like I have been in the ring opposing fear with it for months on end. And I get exhausted. And weak.
And folly shows up in my reactions to life & my choices.
And Grace shows up again to carry me home. Always. Every time.
Mercy wakes me up & shines light on the dark of yesterday.
And Love. Just. Loves. Accepts. Encourages.
To better days.
Hallelujah.
Thank You Lord.
What does your faith look like to you?
Hopefully it’s more graceful than mine. That was never my middle name.
Keep fighting the Good Fight y’all.
Much Love & Faith & Godspeed,
Bonnie
(image courtesy of imgkid.com)

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