Running Ramblings & Confessions

“All human beings should try to learn before they die what they are running from, and to, and why.” – James Thurber
~~~

Oh. My.

OK, so I will make some confessions here from my own life.
Maybe it will help stirring your own pot a little easier.

I have run from real Love, the God kind. Because I did not feel worthy of it. Because it made me feel too exposed. There are parts of me that I don’t want anyone to see. Vulnerabilities that, even as I tap this out, well up in me because they aren’t gone. Yet.

In the past, I have run to other people with an IV to get validation, stabbing wildly, as though my very life depended on their acceptance of me. Chasing after what would only reject me in the end & further drive home the lie that I would never be enough, for anyone. We teach people how to treat us you know.
Selah…

I burned that road up so badly that now, I have careened off in the other direction. The thought of my getting validation from someone else turns my stomach. The issue is that if I am not watchful of myself & on top of my reactions & feelings – I can be shut off a bit & could hinder the good & healthy relationship I believe one sweet day I will have.
God help me, I don’t want that.
Lord make me softer, but still wise as a serpent –
Watchful for the counterfeits that are always lurking.
And may I not delay Your gift in my own stubbornness.

There are so many more layers in this ‘ol girl – some I didn’t even really know were there till sweet Jesus laid them bare before me.
I am so thankful He doesn’t show us all of it at once – because I’d just ask to go Home. Living & lies & lusts for different things have built fortresses in me I could never have torn down on my own.

I am so unashamedly & almost unbearably grateful for my Savior.
I wouldn’t be able to really look in that mirror – or be able to love myself or anyone else for that matter. In the least.
Hallelujah.

Thank You God for being so, so, so good to us, in spite of us.

From one broken soul to another ~
Much love, answers to these questions & healing y’all,

Bonnie

(image courtesy of post40bloggers.com)

Looking into the mirror

 

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2 thoughts on “Running Ramblings & Confessions

  1. First of all~Dad would appreciate your quoting his favorite of all times author, Mr. James Thurber 🙂 Secondly, WOW! beautifully written as always~~and if those loved ones who precede us to the heavenly shores CAN catch glimpses into our journeys here on terra firma, then surely our Dad smiles to see the same wordsmithing talent and wit in his beloved daughter that he was also gifted with~~Mom standing beside him, feeling way more love from her heart towards her beautiful daughter than she was ever free enough to express fully to you while on earth. I can hear, “Good job, Bonnie Lou! Really well-written!” from big bro Alan, flashing one of his gentle-giant-Alan-smiles from the top of his lanky six foot two frame.

    I see the SAME bright thoughts, revelations and feelings shimmering through MY heart and soul as you generously share here~~as they spring from the Same Source, falling like the dappled light of sun, through leafy canopies, across tender grasses in the shady spots where we go to rest our weary, broken souls from this ole world.

    (Now that’s a pretty picture right thar!) 😀 ❤ I LOVE EWE!

    Liked by 1 person

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