God is so good y’all. I was lamenting to Him about something deeply personal yesterday after work. I was questioning the whys & the whens & is-it-me-Lords. I mean, it hit me like a ton of bricks out of nowhere. And all I knew to be was gut-honest with God. He already knows anyway.
I shrank back in my inadequacy, in my humanity ~ as I went there with my Daddy. I just poured it all out before Him & felt a twinge of guilt as I did. I admittedly struggle some with feeling less-than in my walk at times. For years it was drilled into me that I must be involved in some kind of ministry in a church somewhere or the like to be able to feel like I was being a good Christian. These days my ministry is more just loving on people, right where they are. And writing. I love sharing my honesty-s & my struggles with all of you. It is therapeutic & cathartic & I pray it always lends some hope.
Anyway, so that was that. I left the holy place at His feet in my languish where it was & carried on with my evening. Not expecting what happened later.
I went to sleep pretty easily at around 10:00 & my bladder woke me up shortly after at 11:30. It is what it is. As soon as my eyes popped open, before my feet could even hit the floor, the Lord spoke to me very clearly & gave me my answer. And it was nothing like I expected. The guilt & the feeling less-than earlier in my relationship to Him was not it.
He told me that my greatest struggle has always been my deep & dark rejection of myself. Not Him, not others – ME.
I am not sure that I slept more than 3 more hours the rest of the night. Not because of being in turmoil but because I felt like I had been suddenly set FREE. The truth gives us that gift when we truly see it, you know.
Off & on all night I thought of so many things – so many ways where I have kicked myself, hated on myself, made poor decision after decision – compromise after compromise – all in the name of what? Driving the point home that I really wasn’t worth loving, that I really wasn’t enough. That my flaws would keep me lonely all of my days. It must be the truth. That if I didn’t give away certain parts of my-self in sacrifice, so to speak, that no one would just want – well – me.
Thank You Jesus for my answer! For setting my thoughts right & clearing the muddy places in my soul.
For turning the tide & setting my feet on a higher plane.
For Your timing & for knowing when I can rightly handle the Truth. I pray that You help me by Your Sweet grace to stay the course now. To not turn back but to believe that how You created me really, really is enough. You have been peeling that onion in me for nigh-on 5 years now. I think You have hit the core because I already feel new.
You. Are. So. Good. I love You so much. Thank You for loving us all the way You do.
Thank You for changing our minds about ourselves.
In Jesus’ Mighty, Restoring name,
(image courtesy of themissingslate.com)