What Are You Saying?

I stumbled on this ~ realizing I wrote it 2 years ago. It is still speaking today. Thank you God. Let’s see if it speaks to you too.
~~~

Self-talk. If I heard yours, what would it sound like?

Mine, for most of my life, was negative, negative, negative. I couldn’t EVER just take a compliment without deflecting it to the nth degree.

It came from a deep-seeded belief that I was not worthy of any of it. That I was useless, dirty, shameful, & no matter how much I covered up (or exposed for that matter) on the outside – it did nothing to hide how I really felt inside. If you have ever been sexually abused in any form as I have, most likely you are know exactly where I am coming from. That’s just one of the in-roads used to beat us down to the ground & try to keep us there.

It is a lie that we are worthless & ugly, and the worst kind of lie. When we can ever grasp, absorb & believe just how precious we are, how loved we are, how much value we have & can offer the world around us, the shell of self-hatred begins to crack & split and peel away. Like a snake shedding its skin. That’s what happened to me, And it came surprisingly after great loss.
God is good.

There’s that beauty for ashes again, the mantra for my life.

Now am I there 100% now? No ma’am, no sir – I am not.
I still struggle sometimes with receiving the good things people say about me – about feeling worthy of any of it – but that’s part humility. Humility that comes from knowing the things I have done & done to others in the past – & probably most of all to myself. Humility that I am so blessed today even after all of that – that I have witnessed such restoration that I could have never (ever) manufactured myself in a million years. Humility that I truly do not deserve it but I am so incredibly on-my-face grateful.

The other part of the struggle is still some of the old self-talk – the hissing that still hisses the sing-song twisted lullaby I have heard since I was a child.
That I am no good, not worthy of real love, & being lonely and used is my lot in life.
That the only real way to get someone to love me is through what I can do for them – no matter the cost to my soul. That I am not enough, just as I am.

However, hallelujah – the sound of it is getting fainter as the days wear on, into whatever my future will be. The darkness of the past is steady-clearing & making way to new horizons. Hope claws it’s way out lately more-so than not. And the faith of a mustard seed that won’t let me forget where I’ve been brought & bought from – believing it’s way to victory yet again. That there are, yes indeed, good plans for my life, for my future.

So what is your self-talk today?

Will you join me, even afraid, & learn a new language?
Learn to re-program how you see yourself & open your heart to receive Love that never stops giving?

Stay present with me in this School of Hard Knocks we call life. Yes, it is hard as hell sometimes – but it doesn’t have to stay that way. Really, it doesn’t.

You are NOT stuck.

Much Love y’all ~

Bonnie

(image courtesy of livingwellmom.com)

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