Finding Answers On My Knees

So I know I shared that I have been out of sorts again lately. It’s like I was sailing along just fine and out of nowhere something sideswiped me & knocked me off course. And it has really bothered me because I had come to a much better place than I was a couple of months back. This has all happened at the same time that things have gotten very crazy at work. Meaning crazy work-load for Bonnie. My social calendar is usually a-buzz during the week with this or that & as I peered reluctantly at it this morning I have NOTHING for the rest of the week till Friday. And I am so thankful. I hardly have energy enough for myself to do what I need to, much less anyone else.

Back to out-of-sorts, I was really heavy with such a black weight all day yesterday. Like gloomy & doomy feeling. I finally made myself get up & go do some shopping out in the beautiful sunny afternoon, which is something I normally love. And I didn’t find a thing I wanted. Store to store I trudged, with the little grey cloud following overhead. Now I realize when I describe all this, to some of you it sounds totally like I am clinically depressed right? Well that’s what I was thinking too. But nope. Not it.

I get home late afternoon, feed & walk my lil brown buddy Otis, & then I just couldn’t take it anymore. I thought I was going to burst if I didn’t get to my sacred place. I have 2 of those in my apartment. So to the bedroom floor next to my side of the bed I go. I fell to my knees & absolutely lost it. I wondered while I was doing the ugly-cry if my neighbors below me could hear what was going on. Then I decided I didn’t care. If I didn’t get it out I might just disappear into nothing.

I poured out all I could muster. The whys, the whats, the whens. How did I get here again God? What is wrong with me? Help me Jesus. Help me Jesus. Please help me. I even admitted I didn’t want to write in my gratitude journal (which I’ve been keeping for a couple of weeks now.) Not that I am not thankful, always. I just had no energy for it. I just couldn’t do it. Felt there was no need when I was feeling so dead inside. It’s just the truth. Ugly, but truth.

Once I finally caught my breath & was just half-laying there whimpering, God whispered to me ~ “Psalm 31:9”.
That’s all He said.

I immediately grabbed my phone & pulled up my Bible Gateway app. And it read:
“Be gracious and compassionate to me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; My eye is clouded and weakened by grief, my soul and my body also.”

Bam. And there it was. Laid plain. GRIEF.
Of course Lord. That makes total sense. And I lost it all over again.

I crawled up into my bed & began to thank Him for answering me. And I let it all go to Him clear & concise, now that I knew what it was. Wave after wave, I spoke things out one by one & grieved them some more. I didn’t get to the whole of it l, but I got to the heart. It felt like an offering. Dirty, wrinkled, stained & shattered as it was. A bag turned upside down at His feet of my pain & heartbreak & at times, downright-agony these last few years.

Just like that, He told me what was it was. Just like that I didn’t feel so tiny & wrong & confused at the state I’d been in.
And I felt pardoned & free to take as long as I need to get past it. It was enough that I was lighter & could get up without the concentrated effort it had been taking all day. I had permission by The Most High to just be. Right where I was. And it was more than OK.

I guess I share all this & say all this to say ~
You are never alone.
You are never beyond hope. Or repair.
You are precious. And you are heard.
And held. And loved.
By Love Himself.

Ask & you shall receive.
God is not the author of confusion.

Hallelujah Lord.

Much love & being naked before Him in our broken honesty~ because He already knows it all anyway,

Bonnie

(image courtesy of flickriver,com)

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