I am amazed at how I have “handled” this recent heartbreak (not). I have gone from despair to anger to hope back to despair. And I have judged and formed opinions based on…. what exactly? How can any of us possibly see into the heart of another? Only God can do that. How can any of us truly know someone else’s intentions?
One thread has remained sewn through it all – love & prayer.
It has kept me on my knees. God keeps bringing me back to the same place over & over.
I have thought so much since lunch yesterday (post from last night explains) about my reactions through all of this. When I am calm & seeking God He is right there to show me things. I am clear & even though I am hurting, I still find comfort. I still find hope. But when something triggers me out of those old worn-out painful places & I am upset or hurt I live out & react out of that instead. Like I totally forget the other. And that’s exactly where the ugly part of me takes over. That is the quicksand – God help me – that I am going to get free from. That is the place He has His finger on right now, this very moment. The wounds of my soul. That I know are holding me back from so much.
I used the words “betrayal” & “harm” (in yesterday morning’s post.) It sickens me now that I was in such a black place that I would do that. I don’t know if I was betrayed at all. And they certainly did not bring me harm – I did that just fine all by myself. They actually brought me a lot of happiness & joy. Two broken people trying to make a life that is sweet. A life that is safe. A peaceful place that feels like home – because it’s all so much better with someone by our side. Especially with God as the foundation. That alone requires more but it’s so worth it. It’s always bigger than us that way.
I know this – that God is the author & finisher of our faith. He is the only one who can truly free or heal us from the prisons in our souls. He just needs our cooperation. He is the only one who can restore the brokenness we have scattered so far now that we could never do it on our own.
Lord, may we see these opportunities for freedom & stop calling them the devil. Help us to taste of the honey in the rock. It is good & it will not harm us. What makes no sense to us makes perfect sense to You Lord. Help us to stop hurting each other & pushing each other away. Help us to be humble. To trust You & Your process. Help us to let go of the insatiable need to control & protect our lives – so we can really live. Free. Free to love You, ourselves, & others more. And more.
In Jesus’ mighty & delivering name,
(image courtesy of sorendreier.com/)