Magic Switches, Wars & Trying To Find My Way Home

Good morning y’all. Thank God it’s Friday.
I wish I could blow sunshine & flowers all over you today.
I’m not there.

I am just going to get real. I am still in the middle of this war I didn’t want. That followed a victory I wanted so badly.

Where is that magic switch to just turn on joy & lay my heavy heart aside? How do I navigate trusting God in peace when I thought I was following Him to begin with & now I find myself shot down out of the sky of a dream? An honest-to-goodness thought-my-prayers-had-been-answered dream. With signs & confirmation too. Things I could not have come up with on my own. No way.

I have prayed & prayed & tried to rest knowing God is right here. I have gone through worse & He has never failed me. It’s not that I believe He will now. I am just questioning my own ability to really hear Him – do I know His voice anymore? Of course I do. Lord help me. But these are the things swirling haphazardly through my soul.

I’m fine one minute & crying the next. I feel a little crazy. Then I have moments of clarity & strength trickles in then something slays me backwards. I know this too shall pass. But right now I feel like everything is in slow motion & what I so strongly believed has been snatched away like candy from a child. Feeling & reeling lost & loved, paralyzed & carried, confused & confirmed. A dizzying dance of emotion & spirit that changes hourly, sometimes minute by minute. I know they make pills for that – but I’m crazy enough I actually want to feel it all.

Because somehow, some-way this is leading to a blessing. It has to be. Because that is what God promises – that He is working all these things for the good of them that love Him. And that’s me – oh how I do. From the tips of my toes to the nappy hairs on my head. Because I’ve been up since 3:15. Tossing & turning with rats running through my mind & not a whole lot of trusting God going on, in shameful honesty. Amazing to me how quickly I digress.

I was just reminded of my own words from Tuesday morning –

“At the 11th hour, there He is.
Amazing.
Unflinching.
Heroic.
Awesome-ly powerful & mighty.
My free-fall dive from my faith, my unbelief – did not stop Him.
I was in awe all evening & still am & will continue to be.
He loves us so much more than we could ever fathom.
He loves our children so much more than we ever can.
Or could in some cases.
God help us.

Sweet Lord, for all those in the caverns of waiting, please send a warm ray of grace to continue on. For all who have plunged into hope-no-more, send Your promises to spark the memory of your Goodness in times of victories-past.
God help us to all remember from Whence we come, Whose we are, How we are Loved.
By Love itself, no less.
In Jesus’ name,
Amen.”

Much love & rising from these ashes (again),

Bonnie

(image found on pinterest)

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