Good morning G&G Family!
I will admit sometimes I get a little twinge of guilt or something like it when I turn on Christian radio & hear a song about going after God till He overtakes the person singing. Or completely laying their life down for Him etc. Because that’s not where I find myself today.
There was time where I could have maybe said that I was more confidently. I have had a relationship with God for many years. With many seasons. The one I am in now is more like long-time human relationships become.
You know, like we get very comfortable with each other. We have highs & lows & lots of middle ground. We can feel distance or extreme closeness. The latter is my favorite. That’s always where my love for Him grows wider & roots itself deeper. I am thankful His love for me is always the same & never pulls back. Even in His silence, His love never ever ever wavers.
I don’t spend my downtime pursuing more of Him. Maybe I have gotten too comfortable in my day-to-day with God. I’m not “hungry” like I was early on. I don’t ask Him what He wants from me all the time or where He wants to take me – like in a big-picture kind of way. I do ask for His guidance & pray a lot about decisions, how to handle different things, praying for other people going through struggles etc. I live day-to-day. But I can say that without Him, His presence, His love – I would rather not be here anymore. That is my truth.
I would have no hope. No Peace. No joy.
I don’t understand how people do it without Him.
Sometimes I feel like I am barely doing it WITH Him.
I know I am not alone in where I am. I know I could go much much deeper in God. Maybe I will get there again one day.
Honestly there is a little thing in me that thinks if I do go deeper that it will cost me more. Bring more on me. I have been through a lot the last few years. I am tired. Exhausted with the balancing-act of it all. I admit I enjoy times when things aren’t being turned upside-down. I enjoy the day-in-day-out going to work & time at home & time with friends & family. The ease of predictability, if there such a thing.
I don’t know. I’m just rambling. And certainly don’t follow my example. I’m just getting it out. It helps to share & confess.
I leave you standing on the edge of the ocean in recognition of its awesome fury & depth,
(image courtesy of diseaseproof.com)