My All In All In All My Mess

In all honesty I was contemplating flushing Facebook (I run an inspirational page on there called Grit & Grace) & this blog altogether last night. I have a pattern in my life I have slowly tried to peel away from where I turn tail & run when life closes in too tightly, too darkly. I tend to retreat like a tortoise, shutting out important stuff that I don’t need to shut out.

Thank you Lord that You won’t let me stay there long & for giving me friends & family that won’t either.

I don’t attend church regularly nor have I for quite a long time now. When I was married I was in church with my husband at least twice a week faithfully, every single week. We always served together in some capacity in the churches we were a part of and when the chasm was left where our marriage once was, every time I went to a church, any church – all I did was cry. It was ridiculous.

I do desire to return more regularly one day, I think. But I would like to go with a significant other. Again. It’s just my thing, it’s my life. Not everyone will agree with it. And that’s ok. We must work out our own stuff. It’s personal like that.

I have walked, crawled & been carried with & by God for many years now. My relationship with Him has gotten richer & deeper as the years have worn on. It has morphed into a much more beautiful freeing place than it was in the past. I am so grateful. I can & do say things to him that I don’t say to anyone else. Sometimes the things I utter would shock some & sometimes I say I am sorry after I spew them out. And why not – I was already thinking them & He knew it. Sharing them out loud takes the toxins out. At least for me anyway.

I am admittedly a mess. A walking contradiction probably to some in what I profess & how I act out sometimes. I do love God & I believe in Him more than anything else I see. It is what gives me hope when none is looming on the horizon. With the natural eyes anyway. I mean NONE.

He is what stops me from tipping completely over the edge. He rocks me back to safety when I am teetering between the worlds of what was & what is & is to come.

He. Is. Always. Enough.

Especially when me & all my sacrificing & striving & doing are not.
When the enemy is lurking so near I can almost smell his sulfurous breath. When the lines get blurred between what is good & what is not. When why?? cannot be answered.

Lord you are my hallelujah when I truly cannot see my own worn hand in front of my face. You are my wheel within the wheel.

Sweet Jesus, thank you.

Much love & a greater realization of who the Lord is in our lives,

Bonnie

(image courtesy of thegreatpromise.tumblr.com)

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2 thoughts on “My All In All In All My Mess

  1. Now is the time you find your voice. Instead of retreating.. share it… all the painful corners and darkness. It is what will make you feel alive again because you will find that others are there too and need to hear they are not alone.
    Love you !

    Liked by 1 person

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