I shall preface this by stating that I am ok. Really. I just get contemplative. Sometimes. And writing helps. So here we go. Hopefully you can follow my rabbit-trail-ramble.
So lately I have witnessed or co-witnessed what seems like a LOT of relational devastation. Some very obvious, some not so much. Some masquerading as wonderful while the elephant in the room slowly grows fatter by the day. Some actually were pretty wonderful. Once. Or were wonderful off & on. And off won.
Oh, the humanity.
A memory visited me just last night. Hit me out of the blue like an uninvited visitor. It was maybe 7? years ago or so. I was with my ex who wasn’t my ex yet in the mountains of NC. We went there with the purpose of trying to renew something that was lost. To rekindle a fire that had gone out. It was a great idea in theory.
At one point over the weekend we visited a waterfall. My idea. I had to get to one. Somewhere. What stood up tall in my mind last night were those few moments. As we sat there together next to the rushing water I prayed silently – “God please, please show me where this is going. Is it over?” And then I felt it. Deep down. It washed over me like the sweetest sadness I had ever known. It was so strange. Haunting, almost. The end was coming. And as hard as it was to accept – I mean, I lived in a perpetual state of denial at the time – I just knew. It would be another thousand or so days later, but it did. It ended. I had almost forgotten it until it tapped me on the shoulder last night. And it was so fresh again – so clear. That feeling. That ominous but painfully honest, grace-laden feeling. God help me, I hope I never have to feel it again.
But there are no guarantees.
And with all that being said & the aforementioned other relationships going down in flames around me of late – I am fighting becoming jaded. Again.
The other day I was outside Walmart buying some Thin Mints for my freezer & looked down & saw a penny. The pretty little Girl Scout standing there offered it to me & I declined. Then after our transaction was complete, there was another – this time a shiny newer one. Her Mom stepped in & said “Now you better take that one.” And I did.
A penny for my thoughts, for hope. A penny to toss in the fountain on a wish & a prayer. Of a different kind. Because you see – right now, I have nothing romantically relational to lose.
So what am I navel-gazing for anyway? Dissecting myself & picking apart all my imperfections like a science experiment gone bad. Wondering what must be broken in me so badly that Mr.-Perfect-For-Me will never find me now. Seriously. I know people a lot more messed up than me that find their happily-ever-after. Well, or just happily for however long.
See, there’s that jaded thing again. Self-hand slap. Sorry.
I think, right now anyway, that I will stay just crazy enough to believe one sweet day maybe. Just maybe.
Until then, I will keep on keepin’ on.
I am happy most of the time. These days. I like it. I like me. More.
Yes, with some stumbling in between. And occasional ugly cries. And lots of laughter. Lots.
And fabulous-ish on my good days, at 45. And counting.
But right now, at this very moment, I want cookies. The Ultimate Chocolate Chip Ready To Bake ones in my freezer.
That will not make me more slim by morning.
But I really, really want them.
Thank you for humoring me tonight or tomorrow, whenever you actually read this. I really appreciate all of you who do.
Much love & occasional indulgences because we can,