So I know it’s been a few days y’all. I was struck with vertigo last Wednesday & it has played with me off & on since. If you’ve never had it I wouldn’t wish it on you.
So anyway, it doesn’t make for the best writing ground. But tonight I feel good so here goes nothing – or maybe something.
I have had a lot swirling through this head o’mine of late. I have admittedly visited the pit & maybe even spent a night or two there. It is my reality. Don’t judge it – play with your own mirror. I don’t need any help seeing into mine. Trust me.
I hope you can follow these rabbit trails. They at least all lead back to the same place.
Signs. We all look for them don’t we? I have asked for them since I started this walk with God umpteen years back. And He has been faithful to give them to me. Oh so faithful. Many times over, He has confirmed me & helped me. But beware before asking – we need to have on our Discernment Specs when our eyes are peeled. Because we can conjure a sign out of thin air that God didn’t put there & then we famously add God’s stamp to it anyway. And we see it as such – that is, until we realize it was a sign of our own making – or our enemy’s. I believe I have one – maybe not you. And then the infinite sadness comes back to tap us on the shoulder – well, to tap me on the shoulder – again, maybe not you. And there I shall wallow awhile, like a pig in its own internal-recycled-slop. (I’m trying to keep it clean.) Ridiculous, I know – to do such a thing. How dare I? And so human.
I’ll pause and give myself a break right here…. And pause. And pause.
OK, so that lends to another rhetoric. I have some really awesome, wonderful friends that I know love me no matter what. But we all question sometimes – because we see ourselves when no one else is around & that scares us. Who am I to my friends, really? What do I mean to them exactly? (No need to answer. These are purely & solely ponderings that need no coddling.)
Do they love me as long as I am sunny, happy, positive encouraging Bonnie? As long as I am let’s-go-have-a-good-time Bonnie? What about when I am none of those things? What about when I struggle with when is too-much-of-a-good-time enough? And then I change my mind. Because I am struggling to be free & let go of the cares of this life while grappling with not losing myself in the process & drowning in something no good for me? Even Paul wrote in the bible asking – “God why do I do the things I know I should not do?” What about when I wrestle openly with my own insecurities & my frailties are exposed? When I am vulnerable & need love & acceptance the most? Why is that when some people choose to kick the hardest? Something the kickers would never do to themselves – I mean, can you imagine? Or maybe they would. Maybe they do. Maybe they kick themselves harder than they kick anyone else – & hacking away at someone else momentarily diverts their attention away from their own slop. Hey, even temporary relief is some kind of relief right? Right?? No. Dead wrong. And I am guilty.
Switching relational gears – unrequited love – what of that? Even the word itself is too flowery – too poetic. It needs to be more jagged – more short & sharp, like a shank. I have loved to the point of feeling myself turn inside out for someone – & not that they won’t – but they can’t love me back the same way. That’s almost worse than knowing they chose not to – because I know the potential is there. Potential I was totally powerless to do anything about. It’s infuriating really. And I had to lay it down & walk away. Staying there & not letting go would have been prison. Letting go was freedom. Sometimes losing is winning.
And sometimes winning is losing. That’s a blog for another day.
Loss is defined differently in the heavenlies, I think. And remembering God once said to me, by the sea – “Bonnie, nothing is ever truly lost in Me” – that truth is still slowly unraveling itself to me some 2 + years later. In tiny colorful threads every day. Even on the darkest of days because He is good like that – in spite of me.
I think He might just be big enough to swallow the lot of it up & make it all into something beautiful. Where loss leaves no trace of anything solid – maybe more just the translucent trail of a memory. With no sting at all. I really think so. I do. In fact I’m counting on it – as the memories fade.
So if you aren’t totally spent from twisting through this with me – swinging between my two “realities” – my human me vs. my spirit me – then stay with me just a moment longer. (I know there are a lot of me’s right now. Sorry. Blame it on the vertigo.)
That place I mentioned earlier that this vapor-ous thing called my life always leads back to? It’s right here.
That I am safe. I am ok. I am Loved.
I am cared for & accepted just as I am – pretty or not. Joyous or in despair. Laughing till my sides are splitting or crying the ugliest cry ever. They both look the same anyway.
Less imperfect or more imperfect. I am still here.
Fully embodied in Perfection – the only place it’s found. In Love.
My God. My Lord. My Daddy. My Friend.
And there’s more than Enough to go around.
May there be much of It to you my friends ~