Crossing Rooms & A Confession Of Surrender

Surrender.

I am not even sure what the whole of that word even means for me. I think maybe she lies directly & centered between where I find myself today & change. A new season. One for the better somehow. Dreams unrealized. Yet.

Maybe. (there’s the other shoe.)

I take stabs at it – but I feel sure I’ve not arrived. In fact, I know I am not totally surrendered. Crossing a room might take me a year or more sometimes. Do you feel me?

We get opportunities to do it all the time – not just with God –  but with each other too.

In disagreements.

In splintered relationships where pride came before the fall of them. Where I’m sorry is just too hard to say. And why?

Surrender in admittance of physical health issues & mental health issues.

Or surrendering to real love that is pursuing us but we run because it feels so foreign.

I think that last one may be the one I play hide-n-seek with the most.

I have gotten revelation deep-down that I am loved by Love Itself – God. I really have. And man, has that changed me. Seriously. You just have no idea.

But the all-consuming side of Love that comes with full surrender can be scary for me – I don’t know about you. I struggle & squirm to be honest & admit why. And right now – sitting here pondering, this floated up –

I think it has something to do with the wondering that if I do, what will that look like for me?

Will I have to go through some agony that I would never get near of my own choosing?

Will I be asked to remain single the rest of my life?

Will more thorns show up tattooed deeply in my side?

And then this came next in a whisper, more softly & more profound-feeling –

But what if  – what if  – the depth of the end of the very thing I am afraid of holds the deepest desires of my heart?

Lord help me –  help me surrender to what You have for me.

I want to cross rooms with great strides –  with head held high. Not inching along & failing & flailing. 

I want to splash & play & truly be free in more than just my comfort zone. I want more. 

Help me get there.  

I can’t believe I just typed those words & am now flinging them out into oblivion.

With my stomach in knots, butterflies flitting & a lump in my throat – will anyone dare join me?

Much Love y’all, MUCH ~ (& surrender… *cough*) –

Bonnie

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(Courtesy of attwilightblog.blogspot.com)

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