I was sitting in the middle of something the other day that I had hoped I wouldn’t be (ever been there?) & got to thinking – about me.
I was thinking – “You know – I’m just messy.”
Messy in that I am made up of layers. Layers that don’t really all match.
Layers of happiness, hope, of joy & peace. Of good times – some so good that they take my breath away.
Yes, it’s all true. Really.
And also layers of sadness, loneliness & the various pains that revisit & haunt me from time to time.
And anger that I don’t express enough, I’m starting to think. At least to God if to no-one else. I spent so much of my life being angry & afraid that now I run proverbially screaming from them – it’s like my own personal Halloween/Groundhog Day. But I am slowly giving myself permission to get angry again. I just need to make sure I direct it properly. I digress – sort of.
Oh and a layer of occasional & dark (*%$@) depression. At times unfounded, other times obvious. It is what it is.
And honestly, through all those crazy layers, Grace is my balance-er-er. God’s gift to me – enabling me to stay somewhat upright when all I want to do is stay down. To get up and face the next day with hope in spite of what just happened the day before – or many times what didn’t happen. Yet.
This is all my reality & though it can be hard sometimes – really, really hard – I am thankful. Beyond it most days actually. That’s also the truth. Hallelujah.
For that reason, I can’t always just write about sunny-happy-perfect-bliss. (I think I just barfed a little-sorry..)
I have to write true & honest – with myself.
I know I can’t be the only one. I hear from a lot of you that I’m not so that’s confirmation. And if one thing I write, or two or three -helps you too – to get up & stay up, even for just a little while, that’s something. Right? It’s why I do this. This ain’t just for me honey.
I watched an awesome movie Sunday night called “Ragamuffin” – the story of Rich Mullins. Some of you may know who he is. The two quotes below came from it – they both struck me gut-deep.
“I feel broken. The only thing that makes me feel good is not pretending otherwise.” – a confession
“Be brave in your pain. “ – an admonishment
So with that being said, I am SURE I will never be a “10 Steps To Your Success” kind of writer. I don’t identify with formulas & things all wrapped perfectly in smiles & pink chiffon & tied up with pretty ribbons. That never worked for me, but boy did I gave it the ol’ college try -whatever that is. Needless to say – it usually went down in a blaze of glory. Sort of.
So if I ever do write a book, it may not be popular with the Kool-Aid crowd.
I do identify with raw & real – as long as it isn’t barb-laden & judgmental. I mean, c’mon y’all – let’s treat each other like we would want it done to us. Seriously.
And yes, I put on a happy face most of the time regardless – not because I am fake – but because it helps me to do it. It strengthens me in some weird twisted way. And then sometimes I don’t because I can’t muster it.
I don’t play games either & I despise it when someone plays them with me. I prefer honesty over passive-aggressiveness & people who withdraw their love to punish me. I have been on both sides of those ugly-as-hell tokens & it all sucks. There is a difference between ending a relationship or distancing yourself because it’s healthy for us to do so – than to just cut someone off to teach them a lesson. Like we are the Grande Teacher Of Us All or something. Please. That ain’t my job & I sure as hell don’t want it to be, ever again. Lord help us.
Here is to all of us messy ones – may we live honest & hopeful & happy anyway – as much as freakin’ possible.
Much love & more & more wellness from the inside out y’all,
(You, O Lord are the lifter of my head.)
(courtesy of Blythe Dolls)