I have been having trouble sleeping lately. A lot on my mind being mostly the culprit, I’m sure.
Last night I awoke around 3am thinking about one of my best friends, along with a couple of other things that have been clamoring for my attention lately. As I lay there the size of those other things started to grow. And grow. Proverbial molehills into mountains. Like time-lapse photography I internally watched fear wrap itself around them like a gazillion tendrils of ivy around a tree, choking them out.
I hate fear. I was enslaved to it most of my life. If you’ve been reading my stuff for long, you know I talk about it a lot. I think it’s far more common than most would like to admit. It’s debilitating & many times, unfounded. If we listen to the media or focus on any unresolved situation or unknown outcome long enough we can work ourselves into a dang all-out-tizzy.
As I lay there & entertained the worst, I cried. The reel of major disappointments I have faced in my life started playing back to me – like I was tied to a chair with my eyes taped open with no choice but to watch. For a few minutes it was awful. I was scared witless & my mind went places where I literally had to shake my head to stop myself. My chest tightened as fear gripped me again & again & I tossed & turned & wiped tears away. And once I wriggled free in my soul long enough to actually eek out a whisper – I prayed.
I said Jesus’ name & spoke out verses I cherish that have helped me so many times – and in true God-faithful-fashion, I was rescued again. Verses about weapons formed against me & my loved ones. About burdens that I can’t possibly carry & that it’s really ok to hand them over. About love that never fails & will never leave me. About keys to death & fighting enemies & ordering our steps when our steps want to carry us somewhere different. The roads that lead to nowhere good.
Within minutes – in as long as it took for it to jump on me, it was gone. And I was able to go back to sleep.
Freedom isn’t free.
As a Christian, I believe mine came at the highest price. And though I have gotten free of some hellacious things in my life, they still come back to haunt me. Taunting & shoving & choking & blinding me. But when I cry out to where my helps comes from, there He is – every single time to save me. To shine a light of direction when I can’t see my hand in front of my face & I fumble & fall. If I completely slip under, He pulls me up from the depths of those dark places before I lose the ability to make it through. Before I tip into nothing-ness & lose all hope. Hallelujah.
We all have those dark places.
And there really is hope. And help.
We do not have to battle our old foes of fear alone.
Much love, rescue & hope beyond hope for good things to come,