The Whore Meets Love

I was reading in my new book this morning & the very first story out of the gate gave me the courage to put this out there. It’s called Jesus & The Whore. Stay with me.

(click that opening statement to check out the book.)

The story was from Luke 7 about a prostitute who sought Jesus out in desperation. I was her. The whore. Although I never traded sex for money or drugs or anything material, I did trade it for my dignity, self-worth & pride.

It started when I was 13. I had Daddy issues – God rest his soul. I had a big gaping hole in my heart where my relationship with him should have been. Alcoholism robbed me of my relationship with my father. I am not bitter. It is what it is. Addictions that run that deep are robbers of securities in life we are all supposed to have. It happens. I believe he did his best & thankfully sobered up near the end of his life & we got our Dad back for a while. I also believe he is waiting for us all in the Great Blue Yonder with Mom & our brother Alan. Anyway, back to it.

So at 13, I lost my virginity to a boy who said he loved me & would love me more if I would just give this sacred part of me to him. He promised. Not a week later, he was telling it at school, all the way down to an awkward & painful detail that I don’t see the point in sharing here. But let’s just say it was far more mortifying than spilling the act itself. Not to mention I was confronted in the hall in front of others with it & loudly wrapped in laughter & jeering  – I wanted to just die right there.

That began a long, sordid & vicious cycle in my life that lasted for another 13 years. Because of things that happened to me as a very small child & further on, I bought into the lie that the only way I could gain acceptance & love was through giving myself away. And I so desperately tried to – over & over & over again. It was like the most hellish rat-on-a-wheel experience ever – x 10. And it never, ever, ever paid off.

Every single time I gave more of me away, the color in my soul darkened. Another little piece of my heart was ripped away – in grande design. Design meant to annihilate who I was created to be. This awful horrid & addicting cycle gripped me & flung me around like a rag doll. And I couldn’t stop myself.

I never – not once – felt good afterwards. The temporary plane of being one with someone always ended in emptiness & incredible loneliness. I could have invented the walk of shame – I wish I was exaggerating. It is truly nothing but God’s Great Grace, Mercy & Love (my personal Trinity)  that I made it through that long, dark time in my life. I did not come out of it unscathed – I made decisions against my body that some would say are unforgivable & detestable. And I am so beyond-grateful my fate did not nor does it today lie in the hands of man. I have been forgiven of so much that I do not deserve in the very least.

At age 26, I finally got free of that terrible cycle in my life. I met Jesus on my Damascus road as a woman – long after meeting him as a girl at 15. And it changed me & saved my life. Again.

I don’t understand this gift. I don’t get how He has literally washed away that person I was.

She is gone. And I have been made new.

Every single day of my life I get another opportunity to step further deep into who I was created to be. I have been handed the super-power to say no to things that erode my soul. And most of the time I actually do. That is beyond me. Hallelujah.

I realize this was deep & some of you have probably shrank back as you read. It’s ok. Whatever you do, please don’t shrink back for me. I am OK. These are just stories I get the privilege to share – where before I desperately tried to hide them, to no avail.  Now – miraculously – they can extend an olive branch of relativity. Of communion of souls that we no longer have to dwell in darkness & shame. We can exchange our ashes for beauty. That’s what redemption & restoration is all about.

And please don’t shrink back for yourself either – insomuch that you let it nail you further into your own cross. Take it as imperfect-living-proof that you too can be free from yourself, from your choices – some you made & some that were made for you.

Forgiveness is always there waiting, calling out to us. In total acceptance of where we are – & loving us enough to lift us from it. If we will just say yes. Please say yes.

Much love & new life y’all – it really is possible –

Bonnie

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Ref: larsjustinen

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17 thoughts on “The Whore Meets Love

  1. Wendy

    people who shrink back have huge planks in their eyes….and this was me too…I beat myself up for years about it and I asked for forgiveness over and over -just over the past few years have I truly realized I have been forgiven and I’ve begun to forgive myself too. Thanks your honesty. You are beautiful…inside, outside, upside, downside….all sides. Love you!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Forgiveness is a power we all possess & sometimes rarely use. I’m beyond grateful you’ve forgiven yourself & that you know you are forgiven too Wendy. Hallelujah ❤️❤️ & thank you so much for your sweet sweet words!

      Like

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