No Way

I watched a movie last night that had one section of dialogue in it that struck me much more than the rest –

“Sometimes I think I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel. And from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new. Just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt.”

NO WAY. I sure as heaven hope not.

I think though that the reason it struck me so is because it resonated in me, like really.

I am a person that feels things deeply, especially for & about other people. Sometimes I feel so much for someone that I think I could just come undone – much the same way I feel when God loves me on me extra-good. He’s famous for that in this ol’ girl’s life – true story. I know what it means for my cup to runneth over.

In that same vein, it’s like I have this full-tank & I carry it around, sloshing it all over everything. If I don’t have somewhere to unload most of it after a while it starts getting heavy & can turn into depression. I am just being real. I have yet to master 100% being single & not getting visited with the pit-feeling of loneliness -how it creeps in & puts me in a strangle-hold sometimes. I do well most days but some days are awful. They just are.

That’s where the it-resonated-in-me comes in.

Because I have questioned before whether I would ever have somewhere again to share it (in my humanity) as it’s meant to be, in its fullness. I mean, of course I share it with my friends & family & my precious son. And that is all –  especially my son – very fulfilling & a privilege. I don’t know where in this wide world I would be without it. But I am talking about the love between myself & a significant other-  a life partner – my other 1/2.

In the last few years I have been getting more & more free –  more open to the notion (fact) I really don’t have to control everything to be happy & safe. And the realization that it never really worked anyway. (Side Note: It really doesn’t…) And realizing how loved & accepted I am by God Himself, in all of my mess. And that love continues to change me in those dark places – lending more freedom. And with such patience & care. It’s intoxicating.

And that process has flung wide the doors to love more, & better & bigger. So I have been practicing my new wings on the aforementioned folks & that has been lovely – it has. I have had experiences I never dreamed I would because of it. But alas, the place I’d like the land at the end of every day –  it’s not here yet. I believe it’s in the works. That’s that Hope thing I talk about so much.

I want the opportunity to love my special-someone free – because I have never done it before. I now love my son free, my friends & the new people I meet. It’s a beautiful thing. And I have more to share that can only fit into one place.

So to believe that I have felt everything I’m ever gonna feel – & from here on out, I’m not gonna feel anything new – just lesser versions of what I’ve already felt??? After all I have been through & where I have come from – and where I am today? That can’t be. It just can’t. There has to be more.

I will fight that sneaking-hissing-suspicion that there isn’t. I will. I am just crazy enough to believe more good things are coming – more opportunity to fully love now that I know & have experienced being fully loved. I may stumble at it sometimes & stray-a-little-crazy but I am human & imperfect. I am confident in myself more than ever but mostly in God’s ability to keep me headed down the path I belong on. To set things up on my behalf. To pull me back together straight when I am splitting into three. He’s good like that.

I enjoy that love-exchange between God & I – I do. Nothing feels like it & words can’t do it justice. But I would like some with skin on too.

Just sayin’.

So here’s to NO WAY – may we not give up – & may we have hope in freakin’ spades.

Much Love y’all – big beautiful Love – it starts in YOU,

Bonnie

henrydavidthoreau103440

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