Ramblings On The Hell of Expectation, Being Free & What I Must Do To Stay That Way

Wouldn’t you say that it’s quite normal to “expect” things from people in general? It sure feels that way. We are taught to be kind, to love, to be & do this or that – & that we all deserve the same in kind. But we all fail. We all fall short.

And that’s where the sh*t hits the proverbial fan.

I will be transparent briefly here so maybe you’ll lend yourself & someone else some grace & not berate either too badly.

I lived for many, many years swimming around in a huge pond of expectation. And I swam & I swam, & I swam. And I suck at swimming. I can dog-paddle & tread water – float on my back & splash around but that’s about it. OK, I digress.

Anyway –  thusly I stayed anxious & tired most of the time. I suffered from headaches- bad ones – constantly & was overweight. I swung high & low in a bi-polarish dance. And I’m not a good dancer either. Now I could pull it together when I needed to, & the core of who God made me to be personality & heart-wise still shone through enough – but I was still a mess, nonetheless. I was on an anti-depressant for about 3 years – it helped (Thank God for it) but eventually it stopped working. That’s when I finally broke down & started seeking counsel on a regular basis. That led me to another multi-year journey of self-discovery & a LOT of mirror-gazing. What I saw was not pretty but it was freeing and the layers of ugly started slowly getting peeled away. Hallelujah. Sorry, I digress again.

So anyway –  I had my idea of the perfect child/marriage/relationship-thing all tied up in a pretty little box. And I dared anyone to get near it or try to change it into anything different. Boy was I fighting  a losing battle. Had I seen the things coming down the pipe/pike (you choose) that I had no idea were coming -in extreme contrast to those expectations – I might have offed myself right then & there. Seriously. Because eventually all of my expectations got blown to smithereens. What was in my immediate sphere of influence that I held so dear was stripped from me. Through all of it I have never felt so naked & exposed in all my life.

I am so grateful that I believe in the God that I do. He is a restorer, a Savior in every sense of the word, a healer, a repairer of the worst of breaches. He sees far beyond where we can and never, ever wearies in helping us along. Through each new season of growth in our lives – it’s like being tiny again. Holding on to Daddy’s finger & learning to walk. And we take that first step & His voice bellows & He cheers us on to take another. And another. What is so beautiful is that when we fall, He doesn’t scold us or tell us what a failure we are – no. He encourages & lifts & builds us up – teaching us tirelessly until we get it. And those a-ha moments – Oh my God – those are priceless. They scream freedom – finally. The freedom that comes from God peeling the onion of our souls – that place where we hide & where we live from. Layer by painful, shameful, fearful layer. Cleaning it up & almost re-birthing it again. And again. That’s what I believe the phrase “From glory to glory” means.

I say all of that to say:

I have learned through (so) many mistakes & pains, sorrows & grievings like I have never grieved before in my life that I must let people be who they are. I must lay down my own agendas & certainly my gavel. I must  accept people for who they are if I ever want to truly exemplify God’s love to them. I must let go of my expectations if I want to continue to build peace in my life & actually enjoy the journey. I must. Period.

I pray & hope with all my heart that this root that has taken up residence in me grows. And grows. And grows.

I realize this topic could have taken up a lot more space on this blog today & in your head as you read. It’s a wide one. And I only grazed the surface. But I do hope that I have left you with something to ponder. Don’t get all caught up in the “Well he should or she should or they shoulds” – just focus on “I should”. Focus on trying to eek out a little letting-go of your own expectations. To try to let people be more who they are – even yourself.

Be authentic –  live your truth & don’t masquerade that you are something you are not – just to be what you think someone else expects you to be. Only be that- whatever that thing is – if you know you need to. It has to start with you – or no real change will ever come. Self-acknowledgement is the first step. If you stay in that game of pretending you’ll wind up hating them & yourself. If you are in a marriage of unmet expectations & are ready to walk out –  please don’t – not yet. Seek sound counsel. Dig deep & really look inside. Of YOU. Let your partner do their own evaluation – you’ll just botch things up if you try to change them, trust me. I built that factory & burned it to the ground.  Love is worth salvage. More than anything else on earth. Anything else.

Here is to letting expectation go – to the freedom that follows & all the glories in between.

Much Big Beautiful Life-Worth-Living y’all,

Bonnie

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9 thoughts on “Ramblings On The Hell of Expectation, Being Free & What I Must Do To Stay That Way

  1. Steve

    Bonnie, I love your thoughts. Through my life’s journey you are spot on.
    I hear and see folks having trouble in their relationships way too often. Relationships (including marriages) require effort and respect for “who they are” and how they approach things. I think folks forget that a relationship is always a loving compromise that who knows we may learn something new.

    You have amazing insight, don’t let go of it.

    Steve

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Steve, Thank you so much for your kinds words. I have only come to any of this knowledge hands-on, believe me. I learn every real life-lesson the hard way. But I am grateful for them all. & I so appreciate your reading my blog! Your encouragement is a blessing – take care!

      Like

  2. Becky

    Bonnie, I wish I could express the depth to which I get this. If I were in the same room with you I would express it vibrantly with hugs and words. But for now…just know how I appreciate transparency. There is, I believe, no other way to write. I love you.

    Liked by 1 person

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