I was deeply saddened with the news of Robin Williams’ death. What a brilliant actor & comedian – I & millions of others share that same feeling. And to have known him as the man apart from all of that would have been a real treat. That’s what I always look for – behind the talent & all the grandeur.
There are differing opinions floating around. Of which everyone is certainly entitled to. Some are far more harsh than others. Many have been beautiful in their tributes & heartfelt goodbyes -paying homage to the complex & undeniably gifted man that he was.
I am the youngest of six children – 4 girls and 2 boys. My oldest brother Alan, that some of you have seen me mention, was also a complex & gifted man. We lost him to suicide.
It is a death like no other. Everyone who is left here questions themselves – looking back, wondering. It leaves a gaping hole, a blackness, a darkness that other deaths just don’t. It cannot be rightly explained in words. These few I’m penning here are a stabbing attempt at it, but surely does not do it justice. If you have been through it, you know exactly what I mean.
My brother especially loved his children very much & would have never left them had he been in his right mind. He was not well – and there were others involved with his spiral. Let’s just say strongly that wrong beliefs taught in a religious setting can literally cost someone their life. Maybe another story for another day. I think it fair to say – overall – that lies we believe about ourselves or our situation can cost us our lives, period. Whether we end our physical life or we just exist, & cease to really live.
I write a lot about not being so quick to judge, to point fingers, to assume. We all do it but it’s such a slippery slope. How can we truly know what is in the heart of a man like Robin? Or like my brother Alan? In those last moments when the desperation is all-consuming, when the feeling of utter hopelessness is beyond repair – how awful it must be to have run completely out of hope.
Deception is the ultimate breeding ground for that to happen. It’s for this reason that I write so much about hope, about not giving up – about continuing to get up no matter how much you want to stay down.
I think back to probably one of the darkest times in my life where I too actually contemplated ending it. I was in a horribly abusive relationship & had been beaten down verbally & physically to the point that I believed I was worth nothing to anyone else. That there was no hope of ever escaping the hell I was living in. I thought just ending it all would stop the pain. And what would it matter anyway? So I get it. Why I never did it? I can’t even tell you. I have no flowery answer, no cotton-candied explanation. I just know I am thankful I am still here. Why some make it through & others don’t is a mystery left up to God to lay plain. I can’t even touch it. I won’t even try.
How do you end a post like this?
Here’s to you Robin Williams & to you Alan – I miss you – and to every beautiful soul that ever gave up all hope…
May we remember you in life – in all the good parts of your important life –
Much love & flying eternally free,