One of my favorite things to do around this place I am blessed to call home for now is to cut the grass. My roommate & I normally share the task & I actually get excited every time it’s time again.
Last night I came home from a Monday, an ensuing Walmart trip & the drive-thru lane – took off the unnecessary accessories, piled my hair up, grabbed my shoes, my iphone & ear buds & bounded out to the garage like Lassie. Buds in, I opened my iheart radio app & tuned into my favorite custom rock station – Alter Bridge. Cranking it & the mower, off I went.
When I cut the grass something magical happens – I am able to shut the world out. Well, that is, all except for the world that resides in me. 🙂 It kind of works better than almost anything. It’s weird. As I go round & round in slow circles the music fills my ears & my mind. Every song means something different to me & they all speak personally in some way. Music really does express sometimes what we just can’t.
From the end of the last season of cutting till recently inevitably memories would flood in like a tidal wave as I traveled the yard. Many times they have been bittersweet & sad but I owned them. It was always cathartic – these monopolizing thoughts of someone very special to me that wasn’t in my life anymore. And this time I got a special treat.
It hit me as I wound my way around that I was smiling, from the inside out. Those same memories were no longer bitter at all – they were only sweet. I was enjoying the recall & I almost felt like I was right back there again. It was truly surreal. What happened in those few short months visited me in time-warp fashion last night. I waded through it all during the short space of an hour & a 1/2 & the fact that I didn’t feel the infinite sadness that weaves its way in normally actually surprised me.
For a little while I had a sweet, warm presence nearby again. I had companionship & someone to look forward to of the opposite persuasion. I had beginning-&-end-of-day texts & phone calls & flowers. I had a special dinner to prepare & drinks to pour. I had the perfect nook in the curve of chest & arms to lay my head. I had nights on the back porch where I wished time could have stood still & a handsome face in the candlelight smiling back at me. For a little while.
It felt like a just-because gift from God. A sweet reminder of the sweetest of things without the sting of what wasn’t. It’s been hitting me for months how I needed to learn to live more in the moment, before the precious ones pass me by. I am getting better at it.
And to almost get a redo from moments that are gone but not forgotten was just plain lovely.
It really was.
Much love & music & memories,