From The Vault
2 quotes from a book I read recently that is now an out-of-the-gate blockbuster movie (Man what a fantastic read it was too…):
“That’s the thing about pain,” Augustus said, and then glanced back at me. “It demands to be felt”
“Grief does not change you, Hazel. It reveals you.” ~ John Green, The Fault in Our Stars
Aren’t they both the truth?
Sometimes I can literally feel my heart breaking – it’s tangible. An absolute ache. I told someone very special to me that I wish to God there was a switch we could flip – to turn off pain or the want for something unreachable-whatever it is. As hard as it is to ride the wave, I think we do learn a lot about ourselves if we will pay attention. With every grief-laden tear, with every elephant step pressing down on my chest, I am learning. At this point, I’m pretty sure I’m working on a Masters. Sometimes I try to ignore it in hopes it will just – *poof* – magically disappear. It never does. In fact, it gets worse if left unattended. Duly noted.
Sometimes I feel I’m becoming a burden to my closest friends (even though I know we all lean on each other-I just hate being the one leaning) because I have fallen more than once in the last year into a pit of depression, frankly- and from the outside it probably looks to them like I wanted to make a home there. Trust me, I don’t. I am still trying to figure out Bonnie, at 44 years young. It’s my story. And it’s important to me. It makes sense to me, even if it’s hairlipping everyone else.
I thought I knew what was best for me, what was right and wrong. Sometimes those lines just get blurry. The heart is a powerful thing, a rodeo ride. I know it can deceive us but it also has the capacity to conquer all. Life is twisty & beautiful & glorious & terrible all at the same time. There is no easy-solution way out of it, out of navigating it.
God’s word is Truth to me, it is. It’s my core, my foundation. I am alive because He lives in me. But applying it sometimes is challenging, to say the least. Sometimes I get lost in the dark, but I always have this solid sense of hope I will come out ok, because I always have. I have close friends that I know share these same struggles with different faces, & we bump along together. It is what it is.
And still today, I have this crazy feeling of big Hope crossed with grief, over so many things -not just in my life but others. I know in my head all will be ok, all really is ok even now. Just waiting on the heart to follow suit.
Join me, don’t stay down. Keep getting up. You are worth it.
Much love & peace,