Sometimes struggles come daily, sometimes weekly, & other times in triumph I sail through longer periods almost on a cloud. Those are my favorite. Sometimes I do things I am not proud of & God still whispers to me “I love you Bonnie”. Sometimes I do other things & He whispers “Child, I am so proud of you.”
When trials come, when bad things happen – I don’t ever blame Him & I am not sure why I’m that way – I just don’t. I believe that we live in a fallen world & hurting people hurt people. I read that somewhere once & it stuck ~ so true. I know others who struggle with being angry at God & I totally get that, especially after what they’ve been through. Life doesn’t always make sense & we all want answers. Frustratingly enough, sometimes there are no clear ones.
Life can be full of joy one day & anguish the next. It is what it is. One thing, only one, has been consistent for me. It’s that God loves me & stands with me, sometimes carrying me, through it all. I would have been long gone if that were not true for me. I am not perfect & don’t claim to be. (Insert loud gaffaw) I have broken every commandment, & I mean all of them. I like to enjoy a nice cold adult beverage or two & sometimes I’ve have too much. I love the worst & best kinds of foods there are & sometimes I’ve eaten too much. Periodically (ahem) I get edgy & have bad thoughts – like wanting to slap the sh*t out of somebody. I get road rage. I enjoy being single but sometimes I still struggle with loneliness. Mostly because I’m one of those people who are wired to be with someone. I love being married & serving each other & having that comfortable let-your-hair-down-and-be-your-total-self kind of thing. I have faced death down the nose more than once – sometimes by my own hand, other times by another & God preserved my life every time. And if I hadn’t made it, I would have missed the best days of my life so far.
I believe learning to love unconditionally has been the greatest triumph of my life. I learned it through my last marriage & by walking through addiction with my beloved son. I am thankful for all of it. And I am still learning to to love myself unconditionally, the hardest one – but I am going there daily. Sometimes life & other people make it challenging to do so, but I keep getting up. I am farrrrrrrr from perfect – I ain’t no preacher & I try not to ever shove my faith down anyone’s throat – been there, done that.
But I do feel strongly, & you can take it or leave it – that if we will receive God’s love, grace & mercy – all free gifts mind you – & allow them to transform our lives, then we can keep getting up when life knocks us down. We can have real peace & joy when the seas are raging all around us & we can survive. And when we reach the end of our proverbial rope, we can still tie a knot & hold on.
Struggles & triumph – life worth living. Bittersweet & beautiful all rolled up into one glorious ball of yarn ~ yours.
Much love y’all,