So I’ve been thinking.
I never really – way back when – really thought I’d be here, at 44.
Single – (At 44, oops said that already- but still feel 25)
Living with a roommate – (who I do actually adore & has taught me so much)
Listening to country music on a regular basis – (big brother don’t hate – I’m still a rock girl at heart)
Not Dating – (no comment, I’m too pissed about that one – and it doesn’t matter whose fault it is..)
Getting free of the old Bonnie – (or is it getting to know the real Bonnie?)
And yes, those are a few self-focused statements. That’s just where I find myself at the moment – HERE.
Last night I looked at myself in the mirror – not like normal. Like trying to see me for the first time – like I just met me & I was was forming my first impression. And I thought about how I’m 44 (yes) & single, and I’m not that awful, yet. My body has flaws – scars, cellulite, a little (*cough*) more bump & lump than I had at age 18, I’m certainly not ripped or toned, though the thought is nice. Remember, I am here, not there. My skin is showing some wear from years of enjoying the rays from the big beautiful sun. My teeth have never been straight (I will still get braces if the opportunity arises – judge not..) I say all that to say I am by no means perfect. So any guy really into the outward being pretty much all-over rock-solid, I’m not your girl.
BUT – the inside makeup of me is where I feel the best, even though I am still an utter mess sometimes. In my life I have been hit from behind, head-on, from out of left field & from out of right – & I’ve done quite a fine job of hitting myself. I’m playing pro at this point. I’ve suffered a lot of losses & near-losses. You can say I’ve been there, and that may be the loaded statement of the century. If you can go there, I probably did. And I’m still here, among us. Hallelujah.
As a result of the Divine survival of all that there, I’m solid. I’m trustworthy & loyal. I’m real. I’m honest to a fault. I am passionate about what I believe in & how I feel. I can see bullshit coming 10 miles away. I am not afraid to confront. I don’t believe in sweeping things under other things. I love & I love hard. I don’t give up something good without a fight. I am not a pushover, not today anyway.
In the long run – which is what most of us are batting for right? – what exactly matters the most? Because I hate to throw out the spoiler, but those looks will eventually fade & those bodies will wither – but integrity, honor, empathy, compassion, honesty, loyalty, patience, laughter, grace, love – LOVE, the greatest of these – these are things that really matter.
So hey!!! out there Mr. Man, Mr. Handpicked Just For Me – I am right here. And I’m not moving backwards. As bad as I want to sometimes – to go back there (well, some of there) – and not stay here.
Because sometimes here is almost too much to take. Just sometimes.
Much love & hope,